I've noticed a trend among us mothers posting pictures of our children in quite precarious positions:
Stuck under a table.
Sitting in the drivers seat.
Standing on the high chair tray.
Hanging out of the dog's mouth.
Swinging from a sibling's arm.
Climbing over railings.
I'm curious to know if anyone has an actual equation to help moms recognize when it's time to put the camera down. I'm certain it would include variables such as distance between mom and child, distance between child and hospitalization, and the photograph's level of cuteness. I imagine special circumstances might take into account evidence of successful trials of the exact dangerous activity in the past. Oh, and birth order. That's the most important factor: is this the first, second, or tenth child?
I was once a Mother of One. So were you.
And I bet you went to those same family parties that I went to. And you watched those Mothers of More. And you judged. There they were eating calmly, without a single child on their lap, pulling their hair, or grabbing their legs under the table and untying their shoes. And they would converse with others, and laugh, and drink cups that had liquid poured all the way to the top.
And there you were running after your one little kid who didn't even run himself. And everyone would try to convince you to relax, sit down, enjoy the party.
And you were all, "OMIGOSH, are these people FOR REAL? Hello, my baby is the most PRECIOUS gift I have ever received. I would NEVER just let my BAJILLION-dollar jewelry run around the backyard unsupervised, no way am I letting my CHILD get more than three feet away from me! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THREE FEET IS?!" And then and there you swore to your righteous, committed, actually-care-about-my-kids self that you would never, ever NEGLECT your kids the way that other mothers do. And you promised yourself that no matter how many kids you had, each would get the exact same special treatment. And then you went home and read a parenting book that told you to Rock On. And you called every indignant mother that you knew and launched your Ultimate Parenting Plan.
And then...you had another kid.
Nothing screams "Born Second" like a saggy diaper. Or snot that's wiped with the very shirt your kid is wearing. Or tantrums that are observed as though they were being conducted by someone else's kids. Or that call out at the family party that sounds like, "Hey, has anyone seen Rivka lately? Lemme know if she needs me, K? I'm just gonna eat a few courses here."
My children really do have different experiences in life. The first one has an album full of newborn pictures in which she yawned, went to sleep, moved a finger, and then yawned again. The second child has newborn pictures that are blurry because I was chasing after the older one who was pushing her in a doll stroller. The first one didn't know what chocolate chips were until it was time to potty train; the second one has already located the hiding spot. I told the whole world about each milestone that the first one achieved; I'm not even sure what the second one is supposed to be doing these days, but she keeps my busy so I assume she's on target. I cried when the first one got shots; I wish I could give my second one the shots myself and avoid going out to the doctor. I was a nervous wreck when the first one started preschool; I almost "accidentally" left the second one behind after her sister's orientation.
Oh and by the way? I know that those of you with more than two kids are laughing at me now. Don't Hello, Don't Hello, Don't Hello.
But let's call a truce and make a pact that no matter what number child we are snapping pictures of, if they are gonna end up in the doctor's office, let's make a safe photo op later. Trust me, they'll do something carefully crazy and you'll capture it.
----
"My loud voice is coming. I'm really trying to tell it to go away but it's trying to pop out. Quickly go get your shoes like I asked you to!"
"Oh I really want you to help me cook but it's very dangerous if you get near the counter when I have raw meat out."
"My voice isn't functioning well enough to read a book so let's save it for first thing tomorrow morning."
"Absolutely, Mommy is also going to sleep now. Just gonna kiss you good night and go right into my bed."
Loved this post!!!!
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