Friday, September 19, 2014


(Adapted from Dr. Suess' Oh The Places You'll Go!)

Today is your day.
You now are "postpartum"!
You’re off and away!

Your brains left your head!
You can't find your shoes.
You can no longer roll back to sleep if you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the Mommy. So there's no where to go.

You'll look up and down closets. Look'em over with care. About some you will say, "How did that get there?!"

With your head full of fog and shoes on the wrong feet, you're too tired to care if your house isn't neat.

And you may not find any time to lay down. In that case, of course, you'll want to skip town. But sorry my dear, you're needed right here.

Right here things can happen and frequently do, and mommies are needed; mommies like you.

And when things start to happen, don't worry. Be cool. Just go right a long. It's a job just for you!

And Oh! The Places You'll Kegel. 

You'll want to get thin!

You'll climb up and down flights!
And you will do kegels all day and all night. 

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the need. You'll pass the whole gang while you kegel with glee.

Wherever you kegel, you'll be best of the best. You'll even do kegels while you take a rest. 

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes you won't.

I'm sorry to say so but sadly, it's true that spit-ups and throw-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up on a diaper clothesline. And your baby will poop. And you'll want to cry.

You'll look down and frown at your unpleasant bump. And chances are, then, that you'll be a grump.

And when you're a grump, you're not in for much fun. Un-grumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a point where you can't move in a hurry. Some days are alright. But mostly they're blurry. A time you could lose both your calm and your grin. Do you dare to go out? Do you dare to stay in? Have you kegeled enough for your clothes to fit in?

And if you go out, should you turn left or right...or climb down one more flight? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? To check on the babysitter; what might you find? Oh gosh if only you could make up your mind!

You can get so confused that you'll start to wander around at a slow-pacing speed, and grind on for days in a half-asleep state, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. 

The Wailing Place...for people just wailing.

Wailing because the baby won't sleep, or the kegels won't keeg, or the other kids are wailing because it's their speed. Everyone is just wailing. 

NO! That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape all the wailing and whining. You'll find a nice park, or a bed, or a spa. You'll take care of yourself because you're a great Mom. 

And all great moms know, yes they certainly do, that taking some Mom-Time is what you must do. Mom Time is important, it's proven, it's true. Mom-Time is just something that keeps all the Moms cool.

So don't feel all guilty, don't worry, don't wait. Go plan your Mom Time and make your escape. You can kegel during Mom Time, you can simply stare on. You can sleep during Mom Time or just lay on the lawn.

Except don't. Because your kids will find you there.