The Jumping Advisory

Today's post is going to be dedicated to my downstairs neighbors. Not just because they are amazing, but because Chaya has developed a recent obsession with jumping and I cannot seem to redirect her energies. I have 6 jumpable mattresses in the house, one trampoline on the porch, and one room that doesn't actually touch the downstairs apartment. It's like she doesn't even know.

She NEEDS to jump right here, in the living room, on everyone's head.

We have practiced soft jumping, tip toeing, jumping on mats, and, you know, actual SITTING...but those have been vetoed.

To be fair, it isn't actually her fault. She has told me on numerous occasions that her shoes and the floor alternate forcing her to jump. And to jump hard. Can I blame her for not being able to stand up to the floor?

I am thankful that my children have energy and that they are eager to explore, even though sometimes that exploration means let's see what will happen if we destroy this delicate looking thing or I'm gonna try to pick you up, Rivka, okay? And then you try to climb on the counter and get me the crackers. And then I'll share one with you. 

I had a friend over the other day and she was horrified when she saw me sitting on the floor doing absolutely nothing while my little one was climbing up on the dollhouse roof to reach the window sill to people watch through the window. She recommended that perhaps I should put my daughter in Time Out every time that she climbs until she learns that climbing in unacceptable. But...what?

Is climbing one of those things that are unacceptable? I know it would be best to teach her to keep it at the park and am therefore accepting all volunteers who would like to bring her there and watch her climb. But so long as (a)  it's cold outside, (b)  it's before noon, (c) dinner is not yet made, (d) my school work has not been completed, and (e) I'm feeling lazy, I'm gonna let her climb the walls in this very house.

With that in mind, here is next week's schedule:

Sunday - Climbing*
Monday - Climbing*
Tuesday - Climbing*
Wednesday - Climbing*
Thursday - Climbing*
Friday - Climbing*
Saturday - Climbing*

*and jumping. Never forget the jumping.

This story got me thinking about some of the worst advice I have ever received. So I asked around to hear the worst advice that other mothers got and narrowed down my Top Ten Terrifically Stupid Words of Advice :

1. Put a drop-full of wine into your baby's bottle before bed. It's not too much alcohol and it will help him sleep through the night. Sounds like an awesome introduction for his future AA meeting. 

2. The best way to toilet train your child is to have them drink only soda: it will make them incredibly thirsty AND have to go a lot. I mean hey, what's the harm in a little dehydration every now and then, right?

3. If the baby won't finish her bottle, add some sugar. OR, and this is way out there, just spill it out because she's probably not hungry.

4. Don't stay out too long in the heat because your breast milk (nope, not the pumped kind) will spoil.  I have no words.

5. Push down on both sides of your baby's gums to help the tooth pop out. Sure, because it's just like popping a pimple which is also, oh wait, NOT recommended. 

6. The only way your child will understand that heat is dangerous is if you put their hands into something hot. It will give them a tiny burn but a lesson for life. Call me when you're teaching road safety so that I can have ACS on hand.

7. If your child bites another child, force them to put their own hand in their mouth and then clamp their teeth on it, hard. They'll never bite anyone again. Yup, you just come along with #6 please. 

8. If you see that your newborn is crying a lot, it means that you are giving in too often. Leave them once or twice a day to cry it out; this will teach them that they can't always have their way. Funny, 'cause I was under the impression that babies cry on account of they can't yet speak. So maybe your baby just needs something. Like your attention.

9. Wear extra layers during pregnancy to keep the baby warm. As an added plus, you might overheat and pass out and then  you can get a free tour of the Maternity Ward at the hospital! And free juice!

10.  Mash bananas and rub them around the newborn baby's eyes to get rid of the "eye junk." Oh dear. Does that work with the baby jar kind or am I gonna have to mash my own?

I think we can all agree that the best place to find advice is probably from a stranger online who keeps a blog.

And that inviting the downstairs neighbors up to join in the jumping makes everyone happy.