About the Drivers

Living in New York has given me the opportunity to study and analyze other drivers on the New York road. After years of strategizing my way out of heavy city traffic and almost killing half a dozen pedestrians who can't seem to locate the walkway, I have narrowed down the 4 types of drivers we have on our roads.

Type A Drivers: Probably Out of Towners. These drivers don't drive in the bike lane. If they are making a right turn, they wait until they see the broken white lines to change lanes. They drive 25mph when the Jackie curves. They don't cut in front of city buses. They make friendly 'go ahead' waves when they see people walking. And they move to the side when they hear sirens. Annoyance Rating: 10/10.

Type B Drivers: New New York Drivers. These drivers recently got licensed to drive. They may be young or old. Depends on how many tries it took to pass the Permit test and then the Drivers test. They want to drive like the top dogs but they're scared. So they weave. They drive right up to the edge of the shoulder but instead of passing traffic they hang out between their lane and the Forbidden Zone. They inch out and then swoop back in to their correct place. They plan to cruise straight through a yellow but end up screeching to a halt 30 seconds before it turns red. When they hear sirens, they panic and usually end up taking an unnecessary turn which gets them lost. Too proud to ask for directions, they pull over into a safe gas station, press lock on the doors multiple times just to be sure, and get directions from their GPS. They usually get lost one more time because they can't look at the GPS and concentrate on the road at the same time. Annoyance Rating: 10/10.

Type C Drivers: New York Drivers. We own the road. Own it. Rule it. Spit on it. Litter on it. Honk-the-heck-out-of-our-horns-on-it. Don't-know-a-single-driving-rule-on-it. But most of all We. Own. It. It's not just about how quickly you can get there. It's about how quickly you can get there even when you have no reason to rush. We rush. Always. The thought of some other car getting there before us is blasphemous. Our joyrides are about the joy we get from using oncoming traffic as our left line and getting a head of all the other cars. There is a special thrill that we get from weaving down an entire street laced with double parked cars on both sides and never once using the brake. There is skill to be found in our Big Apple way of avoiding speed bumps and red light cameras. We hate traffic cops. They're just out to get us. Why do they always pick on us? It's like they can't tell how ridiculous the A's and B's are. And did they not known that 'born and bred in New York' is an actual violation exemption? They must have never gone to school. Annoyance Rating: 0/10.

Type D Drivers: Bikers. Annoyance Rating: 100/10.

The crazy thing about driving in New York is that it's not only the drivers you have to worry about. Take pedestrians, for example, they're like the plague. Most of us New York drivers are quite confident that the law states that pedestrians may cross on the walkway, when they see the little white man, and if none of us are trying to make a turn. And yet these guys can be seen crossing all over the place. They run out into the middle of the street like it's the apocalypse. And they're usually pushing a stroller or dragging kids behind them. Or both. And the ones who cross at designated crossing areas aren't doing much better if they cross when the red hand is showing or if we need to turn. Pedestrians are always supposed to wait for drivers. It's pretty basic.

We also have to deal with tickets. Ridiculous tickets. Like if we park at a pump and go shopping for a couple of hours. What, the cop didn't notice the hazards were on? How is that our fault? And tickets for alternate side parking. These are the almost the worst. New Yorkers experience a paralyzing fear on alternate side parking days. It's hard enough to remember what day of the week it is, much less which side of what streets are being cleaned and when. Probably the most puzzling aspect is that the streets are always filthy. What exactly do those street cleaners do? Does anyone know? Does Bloomberg drive them? Super sketchy.

The very worst thing to do in New York is park. Parking signs make no sense. Three signs are propped up next to each other. One reads, "NO PARKING", the other says, "LOADING AND UNLOADING ONLY", and the last one reads, "NO PARKING ON MON and THURS between 11-12:30." And they all have arrows. One arrow seems to be pointing to the sky, the other to the apartment building, and the last toward the ground. So, no parking in the sky, load and unload the apartments, and use the ground before 11 and after 12:30? Did I get it right? There is no way to know. There's anxiety when looking for a spot (why don't people ever park normally so that we can fit?), anxiety when you find a spot (there must be some reason why no one is parked here), anxiety when you're the only car parking on that road (is there a comic-sans-font-pink-printed flyer from the NYPD hiding on a tree somewhere?), anxiety when you get out of your car (did I lock it ten times, put on a bar, hide my chargers under the seat?) and anxiety when you return to your car: is there or is there not an orange ticket on the window? There is no way to know for sure that you will be passed over. Each time is like another little miracle. Bless it.

The moral of the story? Today, and every day, be a proud New Yorker and know that you are always right.

The serious side of me is thinking about and remembering 9/11/2001. I look forward to discussing the theme of sacrifice with my students today. What do you sacrifice and why?